They will not, under any circumstances, take Women’s Multivitamins. I believe this is rooted in an unspoken fear of sprouting Fallopian Tubes.
- If you take them on a Very Special Pilgrimage to the home site of your favorite childhood book—say for example “Anne of Green Gables”—one of them will fall asleep in a chair in the corner (this happened.)
- “Mom, there’s no milk,” is their favorite thing to say.
- “Mom, can we get food?” is tied for their favorite thing to say.
- When you are actually engaging them in an important conversation, about college, or marriage, or faith, you have to pretend you are a nature photographer and they are a wild mountain gorilla. Speak softly and act natural. If they figure out it’s a Big Talk, it’ll spook ‘em.
- When they laugh at something you said, you have to pretend you didn’t notice. Wildly beaming with motherly delight is for them a buzzkill.
- When they are behaving as those without a fully developed frontal lobe, and you want to git ‘em, bring up:
- Perimenopause (“I’m having a hot flash” while wildly flapping one’s collar works well)
- Mammograms (“Boy, they really squash ‘em down like #pancakes!”)
- Parental romance, or better yet, commence unbridled necking with their father. They will move quickly to exit the scene.
- Precede anything at all with the word “hashtag”.
- When they are so annoyed they groan and mutter “Mom, can you not?,” it’s time to up your game. Slap your index and ring fingers from one hand on your index and ring fingers from the other hand to make the motion for hashtag, while saying “hashtag.” Then ask them to take out the #garbage, because they will want any excuse to clear the area.
- Also—and this is some good clean fun—sprinkle little past-their-freshness-date sayings in conversation, just to amuse yourself with their horrified reactions. I’m talking about…
- “Isn’t this tuna casserole #AwesomeSauce?”
- “Boy, that show just made me #LOL, like out loud!”
- “That One Direction Group is just #Dope, amirite? “
I call these vignettes “Improv in the Kitchen” or “Small Comedy Sketches to Amuse Myself.”
10. When they are writhing in discomfort and agony over your Small Comedy Sketches, just shrug (they invented shrugging) and say, “Haters gonna hate.”
11. When you notice—in their smile or frown or the curve of their cheek—that there is still a bit of little boy residue, like glitter or flour dust, do not mention it. Just feel all the feels, and flee to your bedroom for a good cry. If your boy is a senior in high school, this will not take much.
These are so very right, every one. I used the term “hump day” to refer to Wednesday the other day — the reaction was so funny (to me). I’m saving up for when I can use it again for gentle torture.
“Hump day”–love it! I can see why this would be saved as “gentle torture”!
I love how you give voice to the funny, ordinary moments of life with kids. Derek & I have a running inventory of “to be used at the girls’ weddings” moments. With Claire living away, it’s amazing how things that used to drive me crazy have morphed into life’s most treasured moments! (except when she drove our car into the ditch at 11 pm the night before she left for England. Certain that one won’t make the cut!) Your list is truly the moments that make up family. Maybe I need to write one of my own (car incident excluded). HMMM. . .thanks for making my day Lorilee!
Oh, but the car in the ditch must be a great story!!! Ha! Thanks, Heather.
Yes on the hashtags! Also do not, under any circumstance, call your own friends your “squad.” Equally as awful, do NOT refer to Instagram as “Insta,”
Now I realize that my 6’2 teen boy is really a missionary kid…this all made me laugh, but some things foreign to his world…except the eating, of course. He ate 22 tacos yesterday:) And #5, yes oh yes!! Love you!
All of them either currently true or showing glimmers of future truthiness. I would add that my 13-year old doesn’t just do anything we ask him to do any more without a lengthy discussion of what is in it for him. When we gently explain that we DON’T CARE WHAT IS IN IT FOR HIM AND IT WOULD ALREADY BE DONE IF HE HAD JUST DONE IT 15 MINUTES AGO WHEN WE ASKED HIM THE FIRST TIME he does it. This conversation happens 40 gajillion times a day.